[FYI: Before the interview actually begins Nardwuar is attempting to "check" his mike]

NARDWUAR: Who are you?

DAVID CROSS: Chk Chk Chk.

Who are you?

The lead singer of Chk Chk Chk.

Who are you?

I'm from the Czech Republic.

You are David—

Cross. Man.

David Cross, are you really David Cross?

Crossman.

Are you really David Crossman?

Yes I am. I can prove it.

How can you prove it?

I can't really go into that here. For security purposes. National security purposes. Not Canadian national security. Puerto Rican national security. And that is a consignment piece of property that America owns, the United States of America, where I'm from.

I'm glad you said David Crossman, because isn't there a guy, David Cross, who was in the band King Crimson, a violinist?

Yeah, not only violinist, he played the viola and the piccolo and the theremin.

Multi-talented.

Ah, not really, he wasn't very good at any of 'em. So he was multi, but the talent part, not so much.

What's interesting about you, David Cross, is—

That is true.

There is King Crimson, but there's also Hee-Haw. What is David Cross' connection to Hee-Haw?

I have no idea. But I mean, well, unless you're—

You think King Crimson, David Cross. You love the indie rock and you're liking King Crimson, which there are many King Crimson elements in indie rock these days, especially like Mars Volta, eh? Ha ha!

Ah, there's two. Yeah, there's two elements.

But then there's also Hee-Haw. And I will say your connection to Hee-Haw is from one of your managers in the past, Bernie Brillstein.

Oh, yeah! Very good. Man, you do some thorough, in-depth, unnecessary research.

Can you tell me about Hee-Haw and The Muppets? Your connection to Hee-Haw and The Muppets?

Yeah, well, it's very tenuous. I mean, I know the guy, I've been in the same room with the guy who, I don't know what he did with Hee-Haw, but I know he was a producer of The Muppets. But I don't know what he did with Hee-Haw. Did he produce that?

Yes. It was his idea.

Oh, really.

It was your manager, Bernie Brillstein. Was he your manager at one time?

He was not my manager, he was Bob Odenkirk's, who was an often partner of mine, lover, whatever. And he was his manager, so invariably my manager, his manager. And Bob and I would go on picnics and then we'd discuss things.

Hee-Haw plus King Crimson equals...

Brillstein.

Equals David Cross!

Oh, OK, equals David Cross. Yeah, that's it. I spaced that one. That was a no-brainer.

David, how did you get in trouble with a banana in Celebrity Poker?

Well, I don't know if I really got in trouble. I had a banana in Celebrity Poker. I got a banana and then I started playing well and then I said it was my good luck banana. Then they brought out a platter of bananas and then I took three, my three favourite bananas and I whipped them at a producer's head and they were soft. They were
obviously stale, you could see the bruised spots on 'em, and instead of just sorta bouncing off, it splattered, it scratched the guy's cornea and he ended up going to the hospital. This is in Las Vegas, Nevada and he ended up going to the hospital. And I refused to pay the medical bill. Am I boring you?

No, no. I was just moving over.

Why?

I felt a bit awkward, like we're standing here on grass and it felt like the earth was tilting as you were telling that story.

Well, it was, but not so that you'd notice it, unless you’re special.

Well, I'm basically like the "human serviette", Nardwuar The Human Serviette and the "human mic stand" as well.

You know, I first heard of you back in '92 or '93 when I moved to Los Angeles from Boston. Were you doing stuff back then?

Yes.

There was a tape of you that I probably still have, a VHS tape, shows you how old it is, that a friend of mine who was a writer who I met on the Ben Stiller Show — which is why I moved down to Los Angeles from Boston — showed me. Gave me.

Thank you very much for taking the time to remember that and speaking to me here today, David…

Crossman.

David Crossman. Back to the celebrity poker, though. What is a celebrity?

[David imiitates Nardwuar’s voice] "Let's go back to the celebrity poker to find out what is a celebrity. " A celebrity is somebody who is celebrated for their fabulousness. Sometimes they're appealing, they're attractive. Sometimes they exude the persona that they would have sex with you when they wouldn't. But still they exude it and they make themselves, offer themselves, to the public. Then sometimes a celebrity is someone who delights us and tickles our fancy.

And you won celebrity poker, didn't you?

Yes and no. Not really. Ultimately, no. I won my… I've done it twice, over two years [burps] OK. Now, check, mic check. I've done it twice. I would win my initial game and then move to the finals where I would then fail.

Who were you up against? Were any celebrities mad that you were classified as a celebrity? Because to me, David Cross, you're a huge celebrity, but to other celebrities they may not see you as a celebrity.

Well, yeah, you've just kind of exemplified what the problem is. I think, this is not by any stretch a knock at you because it incorporates both of us in this, if you were to go there and go, "I’m Nardwuar, I think he's a huge celebrity" and they would look at you and it would make their disdain and upsetness triple-fold. You know what I mean? There were some people who not only didn't consider me a celebrity, didn't know who I was, and I think a number of those people were in the audience, at least.

Did they think you might be a ringer? Like just brought in or an actual poker official, you know, like a real guy who's really down? A professional?

I think once they found out my background is Judaic they though, "Well this guy obviously knows numbers and math and money." So that probably made them think I was a ringer, in some way. Like, "Who's this kid?"

In the end, what happened with the banana incident?

You know, it's small claims court and I can't really talk about it. But we're cued to go there in I think, the third week in July.

David, you're a kind individual. You posed for PETA.

It's true. You're just making statements and then throwing the mic at me. It sounds like you're asking a question that I'm supposed to respond to. But you're just making a statement.

Well actually, I was leading on, David Cross. You posed for PETA. But you didn't just pose for PETA any little way, did you pose for PETA?

No, no, no. I "naked-ed" it up.

That's what I was hoping you would say.

Okay, well I did!

Thank you very much! You were totally naked and you were wrapped in tape.

No, I wasn't wrapped in tape. What are you talking about?

There was some tape over your private parts.

Oh, you couldn't even see that. What are you talking about? I posed so it was like, I looked around. I mean, when I shot the thing, cuz, you know, there were a bunch of people there and I didn't want my cock hanging out. So I had a little whatever you call it, I got one of those dance belt things and I cut a patch out, which is what I do all the time when I do nude scenes. I did double stick-it which hurts eventually when you're taking it off. It makes for a much
more naked-looking person.

Which is exactly what I wanted to ask about because I understand you took the tape and put it on eBay, or PETA put it on eBay. How much did that tape go for?

Man, if that's true, I'm disgusted and delighted at the same time. I can only guess it would have gone for about… I'm huge in Saudi Arabia, so if a Saudi prince or a sheik bought it then God, it could be upwards of a million bucks, which is like pennies to them.

What was on that tape? Was there pubic hair on the tape?

Or pubic hair, yeah.

How much was stuck there? At first when I thought you were posing for PETA you'd have all your skin removed. All your hair removed completely.

Yeah, usually I wax up when I go to the Jersey Shore. You know, I'll wax up when I'm going with a bunch of guys and we do a bunch of Abercrombie & Fitch catalogues. I'll shave and wax and get my nipples rouged. But this was in the winter time when I did it so I was a little hairier. So this wasn't just skin, it was a lot of hair. And as far as how much pubic hair was on the tape, I'd say about a kilo.

You're not 100 per cent sure of what it sold for? Or you didn't even know it was on eBay?

No, no I didn't.

David Cross, you are though, on a very important TV show — Arrested…

De-menacement.

Yes! Arrested De... And your wife on the show is Portia…

Yes, Portia De Rossi. Her real name. That's her real name.

And in real life, her wife is…

Ugh … Now, as of the moment it's Ellen… I just know her as simply "Ellen."

What I was curious about is Portia someone who you analyze when she eats? Does she only still eat meat standing up?

Yeah, well, she only eats horse meat standing up. The regular-like steak or the venison, or rabbit or hunterslea , she'll eat sitting down. But when she eats horse meat, which she eats a lot, she'll stand up.

Is this unusual?

For me it's unusual. She's Australian so it might be something they do Down Under. But, for me it's unusual. I thought it was unusual. But I don't know global customs.

David Cross, do you travel on airplanes very much?

Constantly.

How do you sleep when you're on an airplane?

[Bending head] Usually, kind of like this. Or, depending on which section I'm on, like this.

Do you use any sleeping aids at all? Like anything to cover you face? I understand that one time you used an S&M mask to fall asleep with.

I use several sleep aids. I just, all the same. I have AIDS so it helps. You weaken. Your T-Cell count is down to zero , so it makes you very weak. Just getting, stowing your thing above… your backpack, and just getting on and going through that line is exhausting, which is one of the good things about AIDS. You're able to fall asleep very quickly.

How about the S&M mask? Did you get in trouble for wearing an S&M mask on an airplane?

I didn't get in trouble but… how did you know that? This was just recently. I literally, this was like a month ago. I was in Seattle doing a show with some friends and we passed by an adult bookstore. They had a bunch of different stuff and I was like, "Oh, they have S&M masks." So I got the, not an S&M mask, but you know the Gimp in Pulp Fiction? He has that leather thing. So it's just the whole mask with the zipper here. And it was completely black and I said, "Oh, I'll get this and put it on while I'm on the plane and if anyone gives me any shit I'll be like, 'What? I thought it was a sleep mask.'" [laughs]So I did that but everyone started cracking up. Because I did it when nobody could see it and then let them see it. And by then the joke was over. I didn't get in trouble. I'd hoped I'd get a "talking to" but it didn't happen. But how'd you find that out?

It wasn't on your DVD.

You're right. It wasn't on my DVD.

It wasn't on your DVD but another sleeping incident was on your DVD, David Cross.

Nardwuar, are you going to answer my question? How'd you find out about that? I'm just curious because it was so innocuous and barely anybody knew about it. I mean, obviously, my friends on the plane but outside of that I maybe told a handful of people.

David Cross, there is an international fan network following you everywhere, taping your every move.

[laughs] So you're saying that somebody on the plane who saw it and then wrote about it?

Once you star in like Arrested Development, once you've done Mr. Show, once you've seen Pansy Division play, you're a marked man.

OK, I'll agree with that.

David Cross you're here in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada doing some...

That is an absolute lie!

Well, we know you're in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada because, well, how do we not know you're not in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada?

Check it out. I didn't bring this [Canadian Bottled Water] from the States. That'd be stupid. [laughs]

You are David…

Crossman.

David Crossman, on your most recent DVD you visited Vancouver.

I did! I played Richard's On Richards.

A.K.A.

Dicks On Dicks.

And you have a little dick story about that on the DVD when you went home with a Vancouver lady.

No I didn't.

Yeah, you talk about apologizing for sleeping with a Vancouver girl on the DVD.

What?

Yes, there's a girl that's all over you on the DVD and there's some allusion to her afterwards on the DVD, you're talking about that. So I was just wondering, are you like Bon Jovi who named their album Slippery When Wet after the strippers in Vancouver? Are you down with the Vancouver ladies, David Cross?

Wait a second. We've been having a lot of fun here, a lot of jokes, but I did not sleep with anybody from Vancouver. You've got to be mistaken. Or maybe you're piecing two things together that weren't… maybe chronologically they follow each other but they're not… I swear to God I didn't…

OK, extrapolate, perhaps, what I might be alluding to if I'm not alluding to that exactly. There must be some half truth to that because you haven't completely shot this down, David Cross.

You must be talking about when I was in the van and I was talking about a girl. That was a girl in Austin, Texas and that was from 1999 or 2000, or something, that story. If I'm remembering correctly. I don't remember. I'm telling you I
didn’t.

OK, that might have been it. Because I do remember it was in a van and I'm sorry, I might have misconstrued it.

That has nothing to do with Vancouver.

Well, you were telling the story in Vancouver.

That could be true.

Yes! So there is a Canadian connection there!

[Laughs) There is a Canadian there … You did it! You found it! You’re like a scientist!

David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, you've travelled lots on airplanes wearing S&M masks. You also played Punk...

…abilly.

Punk Voter. And one of the gentlemen who opened up for you was Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys. What was it like having Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys open up and do spoken word for you, David Cross?

Well, it wasn't so much that he was opening up for me. We were all part of the same bill and he happened to go before me and introduced me. I was a huge fan of him when I was a kid. I actually went and saw him in 1984 or '85, something like that. I saw him do spoken word at Brandeis University and it was really funny but it was the first time I got an inkling of how kind of long-winded and how kind of a blow-hard he might be. When he did that show — again, I'm a big fan and he was an important figure in my life — but he would not shut up. It was getting bad. They actually
had to go out and tug him a couple of times. He would look and go, "Yeah! Hang on!" And he just kept on going. He's not funny, he's very dogmatic and strident and there's no real levity or connection, so it was a bit of a bummer.

How did the audience take to him? How did David Cross' audience take to Jello Biafra because he might have been going on and on, but how was the audience enjoying it?

Again, it wasn't just my audience. There were…

The Punk Voter.

There were a number of bands on the bill, I think about five bands, and Jello was hosting. I think they were ready for him to get off. He deserves respect and got accorded respect until it was like, "OK, we get it. Thanks. Let's go. Let's move on. There's a lot more show."

So he just needed to trim the act a tiny bit? Did you see places where he could have trimmed it or was there no way to end the story? If you're telling a story about 9/11 it's pretty hard to cut it halfway through, right?

It's called editing. You edit within. You find out what is necessary, what's not necessary. You find out what's extraneous, get rid of the extraneous part. I teach a workshop at the Learning Annex, it's a 10 week course. Weeks three through seven, except for week six. It's three, four, five and you take one week off and we do other stuff and then back to editing.

David Cross, I interviewed Elijah Wood a few years ago about punkers in Hollywood.

I'm not so sure about that.

I asked him, "Elijah, are there any punkers in Hollywood?" and he said, "Have you ever heard of David…"

"Chrisman?"

David Crossman! And I said, "Yes, I have! From Mr. Show." And he said, "You should interview David Cross." Elijah Wood told me I should interview David Cross. Have you met Elijah Wood and are you and Elijah Wood the only punkers in Hollywood?

We have our own club. We actually have a tree house up in the hills and it's just me and him and we are the only ones. The name of our club, our secret society, is PunkersinHollywood.com backslash. I actually met Elijah here in Vancouver. I was here working on a movie that was never released, actually, it was released in Sweden, for some reason. We became friends and that was, to date, the best experience I've ever had working on any movie or show. It was really fun. I was up here for about three and a half months.

That was the movie Try-17? Was that the movie he was shooting up here?

No, no. We were all shooting the same movie. When we were shooting it, it was called Shiny New Enemies. Then the name got changed to Chain Of Fools because the producer owned the rights to the song "Chain Of Fools." [laughs] So he renamed it and then didn't release the movie. It was fun, it was great. It was me and Elijah, Steve Zahn, Jeff Goldblum, Lara Flynn Boyle, Selma Hayek, Tom Wilkinson.

I just thought it was great, Elijah Wood, David Cross, punkers in Hollywood. And then I was reading a few other mags and I found out there are some other punkers in Hollywood, like Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live. I never realized he was the drummer for Trenchmouth.

Yeah, that's true. But he's not part of our club. It's just Elijah and I. If you want to get in the tree house we have to do certain things to you. We have to haze you and there's a Hell Week you have to go through. Nobody's willing to do it.

There's nobody else? Come on! Fred Armisen should be allowed in there. You've done comedy with him, can't he be in the punker tree house?

Nope, nope, nope.

David Cross, you have thrown out many allusions to punk rock and rock 'n' roll over your career.

I'm not so sure about that.

On Mr. Show, you had a character called Dr. Shattuck. Was that not a reference to Kim Shattuck of the band The Muffs?

Very good. Yeah, that was. In fact, everybody in that sketch, there was Dr. Ballance, who's Laura Ballance from
Superchunk, there was Kim Shattuck from The Muffs and there was another female musician I can't remember.

And you also had a skit called Smoosh, I think, all about Radiohead!

No, no, no. It wasn't Radiohead, that was Oasis. Sorry!

It was something about Oasis doing…

In your face! [laughs]

I tried!

No [laughs] , it was based on Oasis.

An Oasis interview, right?

Yeah. Well, an amalgamation of all of them. It was Bob's idea. Bob Odenkirk has a secret schoolgirl crush on Oasis. He’s absolutely enamoured with them. I mean, they're a good band but he's read all the pulp bios and stuff. I'm not making this up. He loves Oasis and loves their antics. He's just tickled by them and he's the one that came up with idea for that sketch. And it was really pretty much Oasis.

David Cross, another connection, Wicked Scepter. Was that inspired by gay rockers, Pansy Division?

No, it wasn't. My friend Mark Rivers and who wrote the theme to Mr. Show show and appears in season four as Information Jimmy. He and I were driving across the country, from Boston to L.A., and it was right after the Pamela Tommy Lee tape had come out. We were just riffing in the car and I'm pretty sure it was his idea, we were just riffing on it. We were talking about it being a tape of him and the other guys in the band, but they didn't understand why people thought they were gay and he was just having a good time, partying. So we took that idea and made it into a whole thing.

David Cross, you also did the Underground Tape Railroad. Was that inspired by Metallica Drummer, the legendary videotape?

No, it was inspired by all those tapes that were floating around, that have been floating around, since the '80s. I had that Bud Dwyer tape in '84-'85.

What was that? I'm not familiar with the Bud Dwyer tape?

To the best of my knowledge, that was one of the first tapes that floated around on the underground, so to speak. He was a state treasurer of Pennsylvania. He held a press conference and during that conference, he had planned this, he pulled out a huge gun and shot his brains out. I got a copy of that tape and that was the first one I remember starting the slow trickle at first, and then the tons and tons of tapes floating around. [looking at Nardwuar’s camera] These kind of cameras became more ubiquitous and these microphones kind of faded away into the dustbin of history. Obviously, there was the Underground Railroad which the slaves would go through…

…up to Canada.

Up to Canada, where they would live free life.  So we took the idea of underground tapes and called it the Underground Tape Railroad.

David Cross, you're from Atlanta, Georgia. There's a wrestler based in Atlanta, Georgia called Abdullah The Butcher. Do you know Abdullah The Butcher at all?

Yeah! He's got a BBQ place right by the airport. I'm not kidding! That is a real thing! You think I'm joking? Yeah, you better not! He does have a BBQ place…

An all-beef BBQ place, right?

There's mostly pork, not beef. Some chicken. But in the South it tends to be mostly pork, unless you're in Kentucky when it's mutton or lamb. And then in Texas, that's where the beef is.

And Jake "The Snake" Roberts is another wrestler. He's from Atlanta too, isn't he?

Could be.

He's from Stone Mountain, Georgia. What's the deal on Stone Mountain Georgia?

Have you been there?

It's like the confederate Mount Rushmore, right?

Yeah, that's what they call it. It's, I believe, the largest rock outcropping of a massive rock on this planet. It's like
the size of two Stanley Parks (park in Vancouver), even bigger than that. It's this huge thing that some fucking asshole went and carved a thing of Robert E. Lee and some confederate soldiers. A lot of the Klan was based there up to about 20 years ago. There was a heavy Klan, obviously more so in the '50s and prior to that, but now it's a suburban town. And they have a laser light show that makes it look like they're galloping. It's kinda cool but also silly.

It's heard it’s like laser Zeppelin, you go back at night and hear Zeppelin.

Yeah. It’s true. It looks like they animate the horses as they ride to nothing. Nothing ever appears. Unless they start carving a battle scene it's just the horses sort of moving to, I guess, defeat?

David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, supposedly. However, you're not at the location of one of your favourite movies ever, Cotton Candy. What can you tell the people about Cotton Candy?

That was a movie about some group of earnest kids who want to enter a rock 'n' roll competition at the mall. To the best of my knowledge, it's one of the first films that incorporates all the elements of pop culture that were kind of new then but now are just completely ubiquitous in our own consciousness that we don't even think of them. Rock 'n' roll, tube tops, roller skates, garage bands, malls and Clint Howard.

Directed by Ron Howard, too, right?

Was it? I don't know. Is that true?

I think it was the first TV thing that Ron Howard ever directed.

No kidding. Thank God for the computer.

How else would Clint Howard get in it?

Well, that's true. Internet. Well he was in Gentle Ben, though. Remember?

He was also in a couple of episodes of Star Trek.

Oh yeah! He was the kid in Star Trek. Yeah, that's right. That was a big deal.

David Cross, recently the New Yorker named you amongst one of the 50 most loathsome…

It wasn't the New Yorker, it was the New York Press. Quite a difference. [laughs]

The New York Press, what did they call you? One of the 50 most loathsome New Yorkers.

Yes, one of the 50 most loathsome New Yorkers. Unfortunately, I slipped off the list for last year but that was the year before the last issue that came out. They didn't like my standup.

I find that interesting. Number 29 was Paris Hilton and number 19 was you.

Yeah, and I'm not sure Paris Hilton's really a New Yorker. But So be it.

Now that you're doing all this Arrested Development and stuff, there's probably even more of a chance that you'll run into Paris Hilton. And you talk about Paris Hilton. Have you run into her since you've said stuff about her on your CD?

Yes, I have. I don't think she knows who I am. Actually, I've seen her twice. Once two years ago at a Grammy party where I would bet my last dollar she was trippin' on E because she was just so… she was dancing with some people and it wasn't like a big huge club or anything, it was upstairs at a hotel. She was dancing around and I was standing there with two friends and we were talking. She sort of left the person she was standing with and came over and was like, "God! It's a great party, right?" She didn't know any of us and we were like, "Ugh, yeah." And she goes, "God, I love this song!" and sort of went back. And that was weird.

Has she said anything to you? Does she have any idea that you talked about her? What did you say about Paris Hilton on your most recent CD?

I said a bunch of stuff but I think…

The punch line.

Well, I referred to her as, her and Nicole Richie as two rich giggling cunts who have no respect for anyone but themselves, which I think is true.

Does she have any idea that this was actually said and is on a CD? Have you thought about apologizing to her when you see her even though she doesn't know it's on a CD?

No, I would never apologize. Although, actually that's a good way to say it. That's a good way to bring it up if she doesn't know about it. Just say, "Hey, listen. I'm really sorry. I was drunk when I recorded it."

That's what I think Marilyn Manson did to Corey Feldman. He, like, slagged Corey Feldman and then he phoned up Corey Feldman after Manson’s book came out and said, "Hey, Corey, I said a few bad things about you."

Well, that's decent of him. I don't know that he deserves it but that's still a decent thing to do, I think. It's not that I loathe Paris Hilton as a person, I just loathe what she represents and the fact that our society allows her to get away with that kind of behaviour, and celebrates it and rewards it.

David Cross, who sells more CDs, you or Margaret Cho?

Well, I don’t know. I assume Margaret. But I know that together we sell more than The Beatles combined.

David Cross, although I didn’t join the Internet Movie Database, I saw a message board for you. And one of the postings on there was, possibly the worst thing that any comedian can have said to them. And you know what that is?

Yeah, I'm not funny?

No. "Carrot Top is better."

Well then, it's not such a bad thing. Like if that person thinks Carrot Top's better — of course they're being sarcastic, probably — it's their adorable way of saying they don't think I'm very funny. Which is fine.

But if they think that Carrot Top is better, that means they think Carrot Top is at least good. So that means you're not as good as Carrot Top, but maybe you are good. So it's better than saying you're not funny.

That's kind of a desperate logic, but I'll cling to it.

Have you been to Freaknik, in Atlanta?

No, I want to go. I kinda want to go and see what that's all about.

Can you explain a bit about Freaknik in Atlanta, David Cross?

Freaknik is where the black college students, mostly up and down the eastern seaboard, predominately in the south, now it's getting bigger and bigger, that's their Spring break. They’ve done it in Virginia Beach I believe, but it's predominately in Atlanta which has a large black population. But it's funny because the white store owners really freak out, which is a good reason to call it Freaknik. Another application of the word "freak." They get all scared and they actually shut down their businesses and board it up as if it's a hurricane, as if this wave of black young humanity is as destructive as a hurricane or tsunami. Cuz there's, like, fucking in the streets.

David Cross, one of my favourite comedians is Neil Hamburger. You've worked with Neil Hamburger, haven't you?

I've done some open mics or showcase nights that he's done, yeah.

One of my greatest moments watching him was seeing him on Jimmy Kimmel Live with Yoko Ono. It was like Yoko Ono and Neil Hamburger. Have you ever had any moments like that, David Cross? Like, David Cross and Yoko Ono or similar-type people?

Yeah, I was actually just rummaging through some old notes and last year at the Golden Globe Awards, I peed in between Kiefer Sutherland and Quentin Tarantino. I thought that's something.

Between a Canadian and an American!

That's exactly what I was thinking, yeah.

And lastly here, we've talked about connections to King Crimson, to Hee-Haw. You have a connection to, amazingly, Sponge Bob!

Yep. Voiced by Tom Kenney of Mr. Show fame.

Has Tom ever prank-called you? I know I've prank-called you many times, thank you again for agreeing to this interview.

Tom has not. I wish he would. We've really lost that part of our relationship, I think, since he became so famous to kids, to children.

David Cross, 4:20 p.m. What's good about 4:20 p.m, David Cross?

Oh, that's when idiots like to get high.

Why is that? How did you determine that?

Have I determined that that's why they like to get high?

Oh, and that it's 4:20.

Well, there's a number of theories about the 4:20 thing. I don't know what they are, I don't subscribe to them. I think one of them's about, like it's the best time because , like somebody timed it out or something, and then you'd be sitting in traffic and… I don't know what it is. I don't care. But 4:20, yeah.

Well, thanks so much for your time, David Cross. Anything else you want to add to the people out there at all?

I appreciate your fine country. I hope to buy some land and put a Wal-Mart, or something similar, on it.

David Cross, why should people care about David Cross?

They shouldn't.

And lastly, David Cross, is it true you once got poison ivy on your cock?

[laughs] Wow. How did you — all right, when the camera's off I'll find out thi stuff. Well, not so much my cock, but all over my back and my feet. I laid down and it was a hot Georgia night and my friend was scooping on this girl and I had to walk around, this was back in high school, and kill some time cuz I didn't want to interrupt them so I was just wandering around. I just had shorts on and my shirt was off, I laid down and kinda fell asleep in some poison ivy. It
was all over me.

Well, thanks so much David Cross, keep on rocking in the free world and doot doola doot doo...

[sings] Heeh-heh.