Nardwuar: Who are you?
Kelly: I'm Kelly.

You're Kelly Osbourne!
Yup.

Now Kelly who's in your band? Tell me who's in your band and who are those people there? (in the dressing room with Kelly)
[laughs] This is Avril's (Lavigne) band, [laughs] and my band. Just chillax-ing before the show. There's a little bit of everyone in here.

Now who's the drummer for your band?
Alicia. Come here. She's coming over here.

And Alicia why don't you come over here for a sec, because something that is really exciting. Your roommate is…?
Alicia: My roommate?

Your roommate is?
Alicia: Uh, uh. Chris from Pansy Division?

Yes, Chris from the rock and roll band Pansy Division!
Alicia: You know him?

Yes I do very well and I was just wondering, Kelly, are you down with the Pansy Division? Pansy Division opening up for Kelly Osbourne?
I'm really ignorant to Pansy Division. I haven't even heard of them to be totally honest with you. [laughs]

Well how did you meet, you guys? How did you all hook up?
Alicia: Um, just through an audition really.
Yeah.

Like there was no indie rock circles?
Alicia: And now we're best of friends.
Yeah [laughs]

I was just curious about some indie rock circle type thing because I noticed one song on your record is called "Dig Me Out".
Yeah. That's my favourite one.
Alicia: Like Sleater-Kinney.

Yes! A Sleater-Kinney connection. What do you think about that there Kelly, the Sleater-Kinney? Are you down with the 'Kinney?
Not really, but...

How 'bout the Har Mar (Superstar). What's the role of the Har Mar?
Har Mar Superstar is the raddest guy alive right now. He's fucking awesome. Seriously.

How many songs did he contribute to your record?
Uh, we, he wrote one for the album and it didn't make it on because at the time I was still under the age of 18 and it wasn't appropriate so they didn't let me put it on my album, but we're going to find a way to release it still, so...

So Kelly you've got your album out there, was it hard to get your video done because I originally heard you had some sort of vision for a pro-piracy video?
Oh, no, it was... um-

Like you we're going to say in the video 'you should download my record'.
Yeah, but they didn't do it because we wanted to make it more of a performance piece than like a story line, because people don't really want to see a story when they see a video, they want to see the band. That's why.

So the 'suits 'weren't getting to you then?
No.

Not at all?
No.

Now well what about the chocolate bat there, Kelly Osbourne. (Kelly bites the head off a chocolate bat in her video)
It's all in the name of fun you know [laughs]

Yeah, like who-
[referring to Nardwuar's microphone holding technique] I'm afraid you're going to smack me in the face with that.

I'm sorry
You're getting really close, like flying objects at my face

It's a bit of sh-pit.
Yeah, a little sh-pit

Well we don't have the money for a remote mic there. Plus we wouldn't want to interfere with the… music [Kelly's band mates are playing guitar in the background] that's going on right now backstage with Kelly Osbourne as she entertains the masses and her crew. It's always a party backstage with Kelly Osbourne isn't it?
Yeah. [laughs]

Kelly, I was curious though, the chocolate bat? Was that a management decision?
Oh, no, no, it wasn't. It was just a director. It was like a joke, like, you know? Kind of making fun of myself and the situation.

Speaking of bats and Ozzy and stuff… [in deep voice] metal… now was it you that hooked Kylie up with Ozzy?
[laughter] What?
Unidentified band member: Metal!

You hooked Kylie up with Ozzy didn't you?
Kylie Minogue?

Yes, I thought you hooked Kylie up with Ozzy and that Ozzy and Kylie are going to do a duet.
Not that I know of.

It's all on the news there at Peoplenews.com. There's a big story about that. And I was thinking your mom is probably going to take credit for that but Kylie, no sorry, Kelly should take credit for the hook up.
I don't really think that's true.

But don't you have some bonding with Kylie at all?
I do. I really like her. I'm a big fan of hers.

I'm kind of confused by this gig (that featured among other Kylie Minogue, Avril Lavigne, Kelly Osbourne) cause there's like Kylie-
Yeah.

Minogue.
Yeah.

And there's Kelly-
Osbourne. [laughs]

And there's Avril-
Lavigne.

And like everybody has like the same number of letters in their names and it gets all confusing. It's like hello Kelly, uh, Lavigne!
Not really. I think we're all pretty individual in our own way. I think we're three very different girls, so.

Continuing on the metal tip here Kelly. I was wondering, Axl Rose? What's wrong with Axl Rose. And is he bald?
Yes he is bald. I think he wears hair extensions. But I think his problem is his head is shoved too far up his ass. If he was a little like in the real world, maybe he'd realize he's fucking himself up.

What sort of metal dudes have you met? Like, you know, at your house. Has Dio ever dropped by? Have you ever met Dio at all Kelly?
I think I met Dio when I was very very young, but it's not really something I'd like to say 'I'm proud I met Dio', you know. [laughs]

Cause I love watching the show, and you like see Zakk Wylde, that's getting pretty metal. What about the hair metallers? Do any hair metallers sneak in because you know your Dad's-
When I was a little girl I used to get baby sitted by Motley Crue, so like… I've been around all the hair metal bands since I was so young.

Now speaking of hair metal, your mom, Sharon Osbourne, was a manager and she managed Joan Jett, Kelly Osbourne!
[laughs]

Your mom managed Joan Jett and I guess-
I don't think that's true.

I was just wondering? Do you have any good Joan Jett stories at all?
My mom never managed Joan Jett. [laughs]

No! I wanted this to be true. Your mom managed…you must have some Joan Jett stories though.
[laughs] No, my mom never managed Joan Jett.

Okay. Your mom managed E.L.O. [singing] "Don't bring me down, down down, down, down."
My mom co-managed, something to do with like managing, I don't think she full on just managed ELO, but she had a lot to do with them.

[in reference to Kelly moving away from the microphone] Now Kelly Osbourne I'm sorry that with this interview I just keep pushing you over and over again.
I know, I feel like I'm stepping back because I'm going to get hit in the face with the microphone

We're just going back and back. Now what was the name of your boyfriend, his nick name, that was bleeped out on the show? (The Osbounes)
It was something made up and it was stupid that my brother made up, and it was unnecessary so I had it bleeped out.

Cauliflower dick.
No that wasn't it.
Unidentified band member: Oh no!

That's what some interpreters have found…actually Fiona you watched the show over and over and what did you hear?
Fiona Forbes: It sounded like cauliflower dick.
No. It wasn't that. It wasn't. Kind of close but it wasn't.

And Kelly your boyfriend is Bert, from rock and roll band The Used, now on your finger, do you have a tattooed engagement ring?
No it's not an engagement ring. I'm not getting married to anyone. Yeah, but we both do have the same tattoo on our finger.

Kelly Osbourne, what does it take to really get in trouble at your house, like really get in trouble, because you had that fake kind of family meeting last year, but what does it take really to get in trouble, like what have you really gotten in trouble for?
I never really get in trouble. Because my parents say 'if your man enough to do it, your man enough to admit you did it and face the consequences', so… I'm 18 years old it's not as if there gonna be like 'go to your room'.

But like there's nothing that's ever happened that was just terrible, like, you've never really got in trouble? Kelly, never?
Of course I've gotten in trouble, but I don't really care about it, it's not as if it's like a memorable experience.

It's just so awesome, you can go and like party down, it's great-
Is this [touching Nardwuar's hair] a wig?

No actually it my real hair, and you actually can see a bit of balding there too.
[Laughs]

Caused by a roman candle burn that some guy gave me.
[Laughs]

Kelly Osbourne, you get me very confused and I wonder growing up were you confused at all. Like you know there is the Wizard of-
Oz

And there's the Blizzard of-
I was never confused.

Like the 'Wizard of Oz' and the 'Blizzard of Oz,' your dad, did you ever get mixed up? Like sleeping at night, you're in a 'Wizard of Oz' t-shirt or 'Blizzard of Oz' t-shirt, or are you 'Barking at the Moon,' it's so confusing!
[laughs] Are you on…you're like you're on speed. [laughs]

Thank you very much Kelly Osbourne, now winding up here I wanted to enter the 'You Cock' section of the interview. ['You Cock' is a part of the New Musical Express Weekly Magazine from the U.K. that talks about "beefs" between different artists] Now in the NME, there's a thing here, [ shows Kelly a copy of the NME that talks about a fight she had with Natalie Imbruglia] where you're having a little bruhaha with Natalie "Broogallbroola."
[laughs] Yes.

Now what's that all about and-
I don't like her. I don't really care.

What's this all about. This little fight here that you were having?
It's not a fight, it was, um, it happened when I was really young-

And you remember everything don't you?
I do!

Like nobody can get one off on you can they?
No.

Like those Motley Crue guys, were they nice to you when they baby sat you?
They were. I remember them being nice. But I was also very young so I don't remember a lot of that. Yeah.

Now your mom managed Billy Corgan and apparently Billy Corgan made her sick. What did Billy Corgan give your mom. What specific illness did your mom get from Billy Corgan?
A really bad fucking headache.

Ba-boom! And you're Kelly Osbourne here-
I can't handle you anymore! [hits Nardwuar a couple times with the NME Magazine in her hands]

Okay winding up here, lastly, Kelly Osbourne, your sister Amy, [lots of clapping and noise in background from Kelly's bandmates] your sister Amy?
My sister Amy.

Did she really date a Hanson?
No, no, no, no. That never happened.
Unidentified person: Yes it did!

And when you were hanging out there with Puffy and Lil' Kim. Puffy and Lil' Kim, that's amazing, like, that is like the new generation of like intelligentsia, Puffy, Lil' Kim, and Kelly Osbourne. What was going through your mind. I saw a picture of you?
I don't know, I was just watching the fashion show. I went with Puffy, he's a really nice guy.

And lastly here Kelly Osbourne, can you fake an American accent at all?
No, I'm English.

You can't even take a little stab at it?
NO!!

And [pointing to Kelly's head] is that real hair and have you ever worn a wig?
Never worn a wig-I've had hair extensions before, but it is my real hair.

A-ha, that's what I wondering, because you accuse me of wig wearing, and that's real [Nardwuar touches his hair], and that's real hair, can you prove-
YEAH BUT I'M NOT BALDING OKAY?

Don't bring that up. Just because Axl is, [Kelly whacks Nardwuar four more times times with the NME Magazine in her hands] doesn't mean you are. Kelly Osbourne! Well thanks very much, Kelly Osbourne. Keep on rocking in the free world, is that (Kelly's hair) real though, can you pull on it?
Feel it.

Yeah, that's real. Thanks so much. Keep on rocking in the free world-
[laughs]

and doot doola doot doo...
Do Do [laughs]

Almost. Doot doola doot doo...
I don't know, I'm not Canadian. How "a-boot" leaving me alone?

Almost. Doot doola doot doo...
[laughs]

Kelly! Kelly! Doot doola doot doo...
Unidentified person: Bye bye

[Kelly then walks away, and 'Melinda the Nanny' motions for the camera to be turned off]

Are we still rolling? Can we at least get the doot doo?
Didn't I just do the doo do?

Can we at least get the 'doot doo' for continuity purposes?
Yes!

Thank you.
Didn't I do the doo do?

You didn't do the 'doot doo' kind of the way I wanted the 'doot doo'.
How do you want the doo do?

Doot doola doot doo...
[quietly] Doot doo. There you go.

Yes! Thank you. Thank you Kelly Osbourne!